I suck at:

• organizing events
• taking compliments
• eating healthy
• drinking water
• enjoying my birthday
  
• reading
  
• saving money
• blogging
• loving you
  
• singing
  
• doing homework
• cleaning
• brushing my teeth
• calling you
• being alone
• noticing your haircut
  
• having hope
  
• laundry
• controlling myself
• knowing the line
• cooking
• giving compliments
  
• getting to the gym
• making friends
• saying no
• loving myself
  
• making decisions
• smiling
  
• shaving
• staying motivated
• believing
• dancing

Puddle Jumping

A few days ago I found out a friend from high school had been struck by a car and killed. She also goes to the University of Washington, but we have not really remained in contact during our college years. I went to her house a few times in high school to work on some projects. For a variety of reasons I desperately wanted her to like me. She seemed to know everyone, well everyone of any importance, and she was a part of the in crowd. That and all of her guy friends were so cute. I still from time to time would wonder over to her facebook and go through her 2,000 plus photos wishing the whole time that I had a life like hers, wishing I lived life like she did.

That life being one of seemingly endless happiness.  I never understood how people could or did enjoy life so much.  I tell myself they simply lie to themselves.  Anyone who is so happy is not living in reality, the world is not set up for happiness.  Yet I still crave this outlook, to be able to just love life for what it is.  

Her death has affected me in an odd way.  The world is so cruel.  I think I am jealous, jealous that she got to leave so early.  It is a cruel joke that someone who lived such a happy life had it cut short and someone like me who just hopes to have a happy moment must continue to endure.  

I have lived much of my life desperately wanting someone else's.  Facebook provided me with a way to easily access other people's lives and see what I was missing.  I often find myself saying I wish I was this type of person, or that type of person.  Unfortunately I am the type of person how just bitches about it on blogs.  

Can I tell you a secret?  Well, I am going to regardless.  The type of person I want to be is a person who does not worry about the Senate health care bill or global warming.  I want to be the person with thousands of facebook friends, who gossips and fucks around.  I want to be the person who has never worried about the existence of a God.  I want to smoke marijuana on occasion and get shit faced on weekends.  I want to be the guy that you laugh off at for dancing and doesn't care.  The person who eats nachos and doesn't want to throw-up.  The guy who will one day ask a cute girl to marry him.  I want to be the person who loves reading and goes puddle jumping when it rains.  I want to be a person who does not get jealous of someone for getting to escape the prison of our mundane lives so soon.

I have spent so much of my life wishing I wasnt this person.  I still do it.  I still wish I was someone else, had someone else's life.  And to be honest I dont see it ending any time soon.  I wish I could say that one day I will embrace and love me.  Yet, there are so many reasons to hate me.  Besides, if I loved myself I might love myself no matter how heavy I was, no matter how little I accomplished, or no matter what other people thought of me.  Instead I will opt for the life lived wishing it was someone else's, a life lived often wondering when this is going to stop, when is this going to be over, when am I going to want to simply go puddle jumping.  

Goodbye to my friend.  I cant believe someone who seemed to love life so fully had to leave it so soon.

Referendum 71

There is a Referendum on the ballet in Washington that people opposed to marriage equality collected signatures for. It asks if Washingtons current domestic partnership laws, those granting all rights under marriage but specificing that a same-sex relationship is not marriage, should be repealed. I have written several lengthy pleas in my journal that Ref 71 will pass and domestic partnership will stay as is. However, I have yet to find the guts to post these on facebook like I wanted to. I guess I dont want to be in peoples face about it. I dont want to be thought of as just a radical homosexual.

I am tempted to make my status, "If you do not believe in approving Ref 71 please delete me, because you dont care about me enough to even be fake facebook friends." The thing that is stopping me is that I wonder if I should remove people who dont support marraige equality from my life. In a fundamental way they do not support me as a person, however, maybe after getting to know me they will change their mind. I hate thinking though that I have friends who stilld ebate whether I deserve the same protections they have under the law.

This is what God does? No wonder why 2 billion people live on less then a dollar a day. We are still trying to stop those faggots from loving.

night

I have been sad since last week. Probably since my last post. It is a deep sadness too, almost an overwhelming one. I dont really know what to do about it. I am not really in the mood to hang out with people, I cant focus to do school work... all I do is eat, which makes me feel like shit, and sleep. I dont think I am asking for help because there is nothing you can do to help. Maybe I just wanted to write a blog to make myself feel better. But apparently I have nothing to say. Awesome.

Night.

I Surrender

I am so sad, but of course.  I might offend people with this blog and I am sorry if I do.  I am going to blog about it because I usually feel better after a blog.  I hope that is the case tonight.

I was at a house warming party tonight, almost everyone there I enjoy, yet I found myself disinterested and distant.  For most of my adult life I have leaned on mormonism wonderful social structure to establish friendships.  Within weeks of arriving at college I had a solid group of friends.  That group didnt last long but there was always people to fill in the gaps.  These weren't just any friends, these friends believed what I believed and desired what I desired.  They were friends who understood much of me without having to say a word.

Mormonism was always about sacrifice.  I did not fully understand the journey I was embarking on when I began realistically facing my sexuality.  I would like to tell you that nothing really changed, that I held on to everything and just switched my dream from marrying a girl to marrying a boy.  Yet, Mormonism will not tolerate this. 

I would like to congratulate President Monson and all those before him.  They have succeeded.  I surrender.  You cant be gay and mormon.  

The connection is gone.  Those friends are very much the same, I am not.  Why must you rob me of everything?  To be gay and pursue love in Mormonism I am knowingly damning myself to hell (hell being defined as separation from God).  Yet, Mormonism demands more then my eternal damnation, it demands that I also give up the only world I have ever know.  A place that use to be so warm and comfortable has turned into foreign territory and I am a mere intruder.

It took me so long to realize I was gay, to realize that it was okay to be gay, to realize that no worthy God denies people of tangible love in this life.   My reward for finding myself is losing everything else.  Maybe it would have been better to live the lie.  I dont know how to meet people.  I dont know how to make friends independent of mormonism.  I dont know how to find people who believe what I believe and will support me.  I embraced my sexuality so I would not have to live alone.  Oh the irony that that action forces me into this feeling of total isolation. Embracing me means losing everything else.  Congratulations to The Church of "Jesus Christ" of Latter-day Saints you win, another broken and beat homosexual.

homework replacement

School has started.  Actually I should be doing some reading right now.  Who needs reading though when you have a blog?  I am not entirely sure what this blog is going to be about.  I will just write and see what happens.

There is a boy in one of my classes that I find so attractive.  I have know of him for a while but he probably doesnt know my name.  Creepy, yes.  There was a time when I would just hunt through facebook for out men at UW and then go through their pictures wishing I was them or wishing I was with them.  He is one that I discovered this way.  I know, I know, I already said it was creepy.  

As of late I have spent a great deal of time contemplating my shyness.  For the longest time I have said, "I use to be a shy kid."  That is a lie, I am still am a shy kid.  I just didnt realize it was there.  It is not there in the traditional sense.  My shyness again just leads me to avoiding social interaction by in large.  For example if I see someone I know and they are not in my circle of five or so friends, for example a friend from the dorms, I will actively work to avoid them.  I am scared to have to say we can do lunch or something.  Because what if they dont want to do that?  What if they dont like what I like?  What if I say something stupid?  And then once you do lunch then what?  Do you start hanging out?  How do you hang out?  I dont know how to establish a relationship like that.  Also I dont drink so what if their social life involves drinking, I dont want it to be awkward for them.  There are plenty of things that I am not comfortable doing because I am sky.  For example I will not dance or sing and in no way will I participate in something that can be competitive.  If I am bad at it, I dont want to look stupid.  And if I am good I dont want to look prideful.  

In no way am I exaggerating to say that I think about all of those things with every friendship, with every relationship.  It is so overwhelming to manage those friendships and not constantly look like an idiot.  This directly relates to myself worth.  I dont want other people to realize how ridiculous I am.  How bad I am at that or how uninformed I am about that.  Instead I will just avoid you.  It is easier to avoid you then to let you see how boring I actually am.

Hmm, this isnt supposed to be depressing.  I am actually fine right now.  I have just done a lot of thinking about why I sit home alone at nights with people to call but not calling them.  Last night I sat on facebook for much of the night hoping that someone would talk to me.  Not any someone, but people who I find interesting.  Yet I dont reach out to them.  A life lived in fear, fear that the world will see how weak and scared I am and judge me for it.